in which i carry on

I thought that having time to let my mind wander might bring about more words, more deliberations, pontifications, or observations. But, all this time hasn’t made me want to write about anything but you. You lurk for me in the quiet places even though I’ve tried my best to tell myself that you need to leave my mind. You’re just so perfect there. I know you’re not really perfect but it’s what I want most, the imperfect parts. I’d like to help your through them or just accept them. It’s the desire that makes you perfect, the glossed over effect of faraway vision. And there is this wall, this insurmountable barrier that even though I want to flail against it, I’m kinda glad it’s there. Because perfect (or imperfect) is easy from far away and always less painful. So the choices I have could be made simple. I could give myself a deadline. I’m good with deadlines, goals. I know how to reach them or let them go. I’m good with finite, or I’m just more accepting of it. Maybe that’s the answer, a day, a time to know for good if good is what we could be.

breathing room

I finally have hours to fill, hours that are not already predetermined or pawned. And I have a headache. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I pretend that I don’t, but I do. You’re in the back of my mind always. Haven’t you forever been? But, I do the thing I always do. I’m just continuing my pattern of filling the spaces where you should be. I pack it in, I’m good at the packing, whatever I can find and I leave very little room for what I should focus on which I know is one thing and it’s not you and yet when I have time it’s you that comes spilling into these empty spaces. And I don’t shoo away the thoughts. I welcome them. I turn out the lights, turn off the noise and just let myself indulge in the memory of you- all those snippets I keep in my mind’s pocket. I pull them all out like polaroids strewn across a table and try my best to make a moving picture of a future I have no true faith in.