breathing room

I finally have hours to fill, hours that are not already predetermined or pawned. And I have a headache. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I pretend that I don’t, but I do. You’re in the back of my mind always. Haven’t you forever been? But, I do the thing I always do. I’m just continuing my pattern of filling the spaces where you should be. I pack it in, I’m good at the packing, whatever I can find and I leave very little room for what I should focus on which I know is one thing and it’s not you and yet when I have time it’s you that comes spilling into these empty spaces. And I don’t shoo away the thoughts. I welcome them. I turn out the lights, turn off the noise and just let myself indulge in the memory of you- all those snippets I keep in my mind’s pocket. I pull them all out like polaroids strewn across a table and try my best to make a moving picture of a future I have no true faith in.