i think i've moved

Oh this little space has done me well, but everyone needs new walls sometimes- fresh paint. I think I'm moving shop. I don't know if anything will be permanent there, but follow along if you will or wish or are completely bored with life...
And then there was one.




something i wasn't sure i'd do

Lord, it's been some time. My favorite saying of late is, "Life is crazy," because it is. And big things have been afoot. I just bought my first place. It feels good, but it was a bit of an ordeal getting there. The lending world is a bit turned on it's head and even though nothing that tripped things up had anything to do with me, those underwriting people are picky about clauses and words. Silly really. All those words have nothing to do with predicting whether or not I will pay my mortgage and you'd think that'd be the thing they worried about most, but I look good in that department. I've worked very hard for the last two years and it paid off. I reached my goal. And now it's time for painting and organizing and party planning. I hope you are well and happy too.




feel like top spinning. this is pattern for me. get busy. run away. calm down. get bored. get busy. run away. calm down. get bored. get busy... you see don't you? feel like life is elongated text message. don't know the codes. don't have time to chat. barely time to sleep. am western union in modern mode. abreiated socialisms. truncated speech. somewhat enjoy the stress. worry about that enjoyment. wish time for laundry. don't care about dirty clothes with five minutes free. feel contradiction to self. wish life was checklist sometimes. would feel much more accomplished.



in which i carry on

I thought that having time to let my mind wander might bring about more words, more deliberations, pontifications, or observations. But, all this time hasn’t made me want to write about anything but you. You lurk for me in the quiet places even though I’ve tried my best to tell myself that you need to leave my mind. You’re just so perfect there. I know you’re not really perfect but it’s what I want most, the imperfect parts. I’d like to help your through them or just accept them. It’s the desire that makes you perfect, the glossed over effect of faraway vision. And there is this wall, this insurmountable barrier that even though I want to flail against it, I’m kinda glad it’s there. Because perfect (or imperfect) is easy from far away and always less painful. So the choices I have could be made simple. I could give myself a deadline. I’m good with deadlines, goals. I know how to reach them or let them go. I’m good with finite, or I’m just more accepting of it. Maybe that’s the answer, a day, a time to know for good if good is what we could be.

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breathing room

I finally have hours to fill, hours that are not already predetermined or pawned. And I have a headache. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I pretend that I don’t, but I do. You’re in the back of my mind always. Haven’t you forever been? But, I do the thing I always do. I’m just continuing my pattern of filling the spaces where you should be. I pack it in, I’m good at the packing, whatever I can find and I leave very little room for what I should focus on which I know is one thing and it’s not you and yet when I have time it’s you that comes spilling into these empty spaces. And I don’t shoo away the thoughts. I welcome them. I turn out the lights, turn off the noise and just let myself indulge in the memory of you- all those snippets I keep in my mind’s pocket. I pull them all out like polaroids strewn across a table and try my best to make a moving picture of a future I have no true faith in.




i'm already losing

I thought about those pesky New Year's resolutions today. I don't like making them and yet this year I went out on that limb. And a wobbly weak one it is. I almost have no plans to keep any of the ideas I thought were so fantastic a few weeks ago. Take Obama for instance. It's pretty exciting to me to hear all the good news coming from his camp. I believe in him the way people first believed in Bill Clinton. I was never swayed by that smoothe talker, but Obama looks like what our future should be. He's all shiny and pretty like a new penny. But, my working for him seems like a dream and a far distance wish. And yet the idea I had was simply somethink akin to making phone calls for him with a high pitched excited hope lingering through all those fiber optics and cell towers. I barely have time to shower these days. My world is spinning just a little too fast. It's not a bad thing, just a hurried thing and I can't imagine adding one more thing to the growing pile. It's time for things to slow down, for me to take time out and smell the fresh scent of new babies being born because it seems like they're starting to come out of people's ears, but I can't slow down and I don't really want to. We'll see about Obama, but for right now the writing has lost hope and exercise- what's that? It's why I don't make those resolutions in the first place. But then again, if I hadn't what would be lurking over my shoulder rather than bettering myself?

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clear as mud

Of course nothing in my life is as easy as snapping your fingers. Take glasses for example. I learned that I would have to begin wearing them fulltime 10 days ago. I've kinda known this for a year, but my old quack doctor said I had nothing to worry about until the good eye went bad. I thought that sounded funny. So did my new eye Dr. one year later. It turns out that I have an astigmatism in one eye that should have been corrected 10 years ago. Funny, I've been going to eye doctors fairly regularly for 10 years. Hmmmm.

The things is, when I hear that I am blind in one eye, my mind starts to think that I am blind all over and I start to obsess and begin to think that I cannot, in fact, see anything. This is and was not the case, but I wanted my glasses and I wanted them yesterday. So, upon gaining access to my prescription I went about getting some "in about an hour" glasses last Thursday. And when I first put them on I thought the world was better, wonky, but better. It turns out- the world, was not better.

I had heard there would be an adjustment period and that my depth perception would change, but I just had a gut feeling that what was happening to me was not happening to the rest of the four eyed world. My bad eye was hurting, I mean hurting and my good eye could no longer compensate so that things from far away were clearer without the glasses on. Hmmmmm again.

I went back franctic to my eye Dr. this morning and after much attention to my whining he lessened my prescription and baby the world is better and not wonky. I love my gut instinct. I love that I was right, that glasses should make you have an "aha" moment and not and "aaaaaahhhhhh" one when you put them on.

Oh yeah- and I might have bought more pairs than I need and my everyday ones might have diamonds (faux) on them.

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