save me from myself

In one of my favorite movies, Sabrina (the 90’s version), Sabrina’s French mentor tells her that, “Illusions are dangerous people.” I was about 17 when I first saw that movie and somehow that line has stayed with me, resonating and resounding itself when my mind goes wondering.

Last night I dreamt about my illusion. I dreamt that he was getting married. I sat there on the sidelines watching demurely, smiling and nodding on the outside while on the inside I was screaming. I was putting on the brave face. It seems I’m always putting on the brave face. Somehow, though, the wedding didn’t happen. The illusion and the girl walked down the isle, but then something between them happened and the wedding just kind of fizzled. There were more dream like weirdnesses like swimming through gasoline (what?), but I was happy and I just waited. I waited for him like I did the first time we talked for hours, waited for him quietly while inside I was screaming.

I’m tired of waiting and this thing I feel for an illusion, I can only imagine it’s extremely dangerous.