me, myself and i

There are moments in my life when I realize a true fact about myself- when an entire emotion or trait takes solid form and sits down right beside me. Yesterday it was sadness and insecurity.

Happiness, contentedness and ease have been my norm, my everyday for most of this year. And after such a long stretch of almost bliss I thought maybe my emotions had been turned off. Maybe I was numb.

Sadness has been a constant in my life- my security blanket, my commonplace. I even say I like the word “melancholy,” that to me it is not negative, but simply descriptive and alright. And “despair”- I know it well. And “funk.” And “low.” But, I don’t have depression, never have. I’m just low key. And for a long time I thought everyone else felt the same way, but that they were just better actors than I was.

Happiness- I know now- feels better, it wears better, it even walks better than melancholy ever could. My doctor asked me recently how I had managed to lose 10 pounds since my last visit. I told her I had no idea and that I wasn’t even trying. I knew I liked my state of mind and how my body was reacting to it. That even if the even keel I was going through was really numbness I didn’t want it to stop.

Yet sadness crept up on me yesterday and shooed away months of what I thought was non-feelings. And part of me was even glad in the sadness because it meant the all my emotions were there. It meant I was not numb. It meant that I really have been happy and even joyful and that I now have a reference point to work my way back to from the gutter whenever I fall in. But, don’t worry- I’m already out.

like a lost soul

I awoke this morning earlier than has been usual this summer. I'm sure my mind was not calculating everything correctly- a little foggy from the hour. I did my usual routine of coffee making, Today show, dressing, etc... It all seemed quite normal and I never felt that little twinge of "something is missing." It was 2 hours later that I realized my right wrist was bare. I've had a "Save Darfur" green rubber bracelet on that wrist for over a year. It has become second nature, not unlike a wedding ring would I'm sure. The little wrist flicks that I do to unconsciously move the bracelet up or down my arm are almost background noise in my movements. Except this morning I went to shake my wrist and there was nothing there and it still took my a while to figure out what felt so wrong, so out of place, so missing. And part of me hopes that by losing this bracelet somewhere in my life means that Darfur has won its fight. Because I'd rather lose the bracelet and readjust to its abscence then find another one to wear continously. I'd rather it become a long lost friend, but somehow I know that that is all just my romantic, sentimental mind playing tricks on me.

it's because i'm sooooo good lookin'

There was once a Seinfeld episode where the members of Jerry's gang decided that when someone sneezed it made just as much sense to say "You're sooo good lookin'" than it did to say "God bless you."  I kinda like the sentiment of this.  And every so often it runs through my mind- and usually not when people sneeze- it's more often when someone annoys me.  And if you think about it, that might be a better use of the phrase.  Someone cuts you off in traffic.  You simply keep driving calmly and exclaim, "You're sooooo good lookin'." 
 
Anyway, sorry for being absent from this here space, but it's simply because I'm sooooo good lookin'.

my new mantra

I was raised in a very conservative household. This being said there was also a lot of chaos. You know the kind- "We put fun in dysfunctional." It's your almost typical American story, but recently I've begun to try to turn the heads in my family from perseveration to meditation. My new saying is "Let go and let Buddha." I'm not Buddhist though I respect those who practice it. It's more of my own version of the classic 12 steps "Let go and let God." The sustitution for me is all wrapped up in family dynamics. When I plug my mantra into a conversation where someone is certainly being analyzed and torn apart, laughter comes out. Laughter because we need it, because comedy is alwasy better than tragedy and also because God is too serious. If I used the classic saying then I'd get things like "That's right. Those demons should be banished." Wah! Yeah, I know. So I choose Buddha as my comic relief buddy. Buddha is my little fat comedian. He helps lighten the anger, sometimes even helps release it. And I am the happier for it. You should try it too. It's easy. When something is grating on your nerves (like I don't know, your entire family) just let go and let Buddha.