proposal

When the prospect of a new boy comes along, I start planning. I plan the dating scenarios, how I will introduce him to my friends, how I’ll tell my family. I envision weekends away and dinner parties and lots and lots of snuggling. Then I plan the dress, the bridesmaids, the house we live in, whether I’ll work or not, the color of our children’s hair, and what we’ll do when they leave for college. I plan all of this even before the first date.

It’s a problem. I know this.

Not once has there even been a proposal, or much more than a few dates. I immediately find everything wrong with him and say good-bye, rather awkwardly, my dreams walking away under his footsteps. I’m much more apt to run away than stay and work my way through the muck. I just don’t like getting dirty and ultimately that is what a relationship entails.

It’s a problem. I know this.

There has been one boy , one boy whose mucky waters and quirks and idiosyncrasies I would gladly, gladly endure, but he did not feel the same. Meeting him was like meeting my other self. It was all those cheesy clichéd things; magical, mystical, and a bit eerie. Why he did not feel it too, I will never know. But, that didn’t stop me from planning our life together. And sometimes, I go back and visit that world I created in my head, just for comfort’s sake.

It’s a problem. I know this.

The prospect of a new boy has come around again and while we haven’t even really talked, I’ve been planning our summer together and football games in the fall with my friends, which will be his testing ground. I’m planning a Nov. wedding for next year. That gives us about 8 months before he proposes and about 8 months to plan. The funny thing is that I don’t care what size the ring is or how he proposes. I just want it.

It’s a problem. I know this.

None of this dreaming of the new prospect really matters. I’ll probably find every fault he never knew he had in the first 10 minutes and run screaming for the door.

It’s a problem. I know this.