in a grown up world

Before I left for the beach a lot in my life changed. 1) I almost put a bid on a condo, but the prospect did not turn out so good and now my homebuying status is in limbo. 2) I chopped all my hair off and gave it to Locks of Love. 3) A good friend left for the left coast and I didn't even say goodbye.

Somehow I put all that out of my mind, packed for the beach and have been in a lazy beach mode since then. I've read a book and half already, floated in the waves twice (a big deal for me- I hate saltwater and I immediately have to shower after exiting), watched a movie, fought with my brother, played with my nieces and nephew, hosted a murder, cooked dinner for 12 people and just forgot about time and the ringing cell phone. I've become a hippy. I've tuned in, turned on and dropped out.

But no matter how much I want to push the grown up world away, I have to face it. I have to make some big financial decisions today and I'd rather not. I'd rather someone tell me what to do and let my trust in people be the right choice, the one that keeps me safe and makes me happy. And the ironic thing is is that I don't like to listen to what other people think I should do. I am fiercely independent. And yet.

reaction

I need you sometimes just to be what I fall into. I don’t want to mutter in the low times anymore. It’s too dark there and I’ve been there too long. I like this lightness now, this floating I’ve been feeling. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes need you to be the blanket, my wrap around. Because we all need something that makes the ground softer just like moss on a forest floor that dampens the fall of acorns or pinecones- being the equal and opposite force that stops their fall. And it is what I need now, just something I can curl into and lie still with, something that only needs me to be still and quiet- my equal and opposite.

in which i say something i shouldn't

It's been a while coming and I know that you could see it. And it's time for me to own up to it. I'm taking a blogging break. It's not a stopping or a quitting. It's just a break, not a break down or even a break up, just a break.

I'll be back. When the blogging bug bites again and the writing wells up in throughout the day, flooding my mind with things I have to write down and send into the void that is the Internets. I just don't want writing to be forced and now it is not coming. It is not fluid in me as it has been and I don't believe in fighting that fight, making something of nothing- I've tried that tactic in my life and it never seems to be what you think it is, but it always disappoints.

In the meantime- go read a good book, teach a kid to sing while hanging upside down, blow bubbles in the bathtub, dress in you most comfortable clothes and love the sunshine and the green grass and the smell of the people you cherish when they come near you.

my new favorite pants

At 8pm I got myself out the door to go shopping. That’s right- 8pm- shopping. At 7:30 I had let the idea slide, but by 8, with one single hour of shopping possibility left, I was raring to go. I was in search of some nice slacks, some fancy pants. Or a pencil skirt, a pencil skirt could work too. I’ve got something coming up soon and I need to look fine – well, at least less like I rolled out of bed than usual.

Old Navy here I come. Because if it’s a short-lived outfit then it better not cost me a paycheck. (The new Anthropologie catalog came today and I might have drooled all over it.) I new before I stepped in the door that Old Navy might be trouble for me. Keeping to a budget and severely restricting my shopping makes any entrance into a store prompt salivation like a binge eater in Sam’s. But, I needed some fancy pants. Or a pencil skirt so I mentally prepared myself NOT TO TRY ON ANYTHING but fancy pants. Or a pencil skirt.

And then, I walked through the shoplifting scanners and immediately veered to the left knowing full well that the career wear is in the back, the way back. To. The. Right.

The first mistake- picking something off the rack. Once one thing is schlepped over my arms I’m in an all-or-nothing mode and I just decide to try on anything and everything. About 12 things later I enter the dressing room with no fancy pants. Only a pencil skirt. Alfie was my kind, enthuseastic dressing room attendant who promised to help me in any way as he separately hung up every item I picked out.

Second mistake- trying on the cute clothes. I knew I wouldn’t leave with everything I brought in, but I had to try them. The first shirt/dress = precious. And now my mind starts to calculate how smart a purchase it is and where and with what I could wear it. Bad, bad things. Then I tried on the pencil skirt that actually was a size smaller than I wanted, but it was THE ONLY PENCIL SKIRT ON THE RACK (um, near my size and on sale). So, since it was a wee bit small I did the thing that girls sometimes do. I hiked the skirt way up my stomach so I could manipulate the zipper then pull the skirt down around my bum. Yeah, that worked but it hurt and in trying to get the skirt back turned around as to unzip it I almost began yelling for Alfie and then I envisioned his horrified look with my half turned around pencil skirt and mismatched shirt and red face and hair flung everywhere and then... woo, I got it undone.

Third mistake- taking a second look around. So, after reluctantly taking out only 2 tanks and one cute shirt/ dress, I lazily walked to the checkout while still perusing and that’s when I saw them - linen capris. Oh to the Oh NO! So yeah, they were totally in hand and while they were in my hand I might as well just pick up this pair of shorts cause they look cute and if they don’t fit or look cute then I could bring them back because I shouldn’t be buying anything anyway and I will probably bring some stuff back so I’ll just pick that right up and try them on at home and bring them back cause… you know.

But, the happy ending is the linen capris. They are not fancy pants. Or a pencil skirt, but they are heaven, heaven in orange linen. I’m wearing them tomorrow, with no guilt.