singledom

I think I’ve decided that I’m done with being single. The thing is is that I don’t want a relationship. Hmmm, what to do with that one? That, sir, is the question. It’s not “to be or not to be,” it’s “to commit to not commit?”

First, let’s address the problem of boys. Since college, I’ve developed a phobia. Well, I’ve always had the phobia, but somehow in the heady days of college, between tests, frozen yogurt, and streaking, I managed to have boys around. There was never commitment, but with one, I think there was love, unrequited, but love the same. I don’t know what happened.

Let’s examine the workplace, a place where we meet people who introduce us to other people. Well, I’m a teacher. If the girls are my age then by now they are married or on their way or dated every single man they’ve ever known and thereby have no single friends to introduce me to or if they do then those boys are toothless with mangy dogs for pets. Married teachers are no fun (this is really not true, but let’s just pretend). Single ones are, but some are very busy, enter Kristin .

Let’s look around at friends from other parts of life. College friends- ALL MARRIED or will be this summer or well hell, they’re like me and helpless. High School friends- fallen by the wayside or MARRIED with children. I’ve decided that married friends have squandered their lives on boring nights in or dinners out with other couples. The third or fifth wheel is not a role I like to play, although it happens, a lot.

In the Freudian scheme of things, I’ve created my own hell. I’ve chosen a profession that secludes me from men. I’ve surrounded myself with married girlfriends and their “safe” husbands. The solution, I fear, is to go out on a limb and dive into the waters. I know I can swim, hell, I used to be a lifeguard, but in the back of my mind I know that there are riptides and currents even the strongest swimmers can’t beat. And this is what paralyzes me from testing the waters at all. I’m chosen this and it’s safe, it’s comfortable, it’s controllable. I know the psychology behind it all, but in this case, knowing is not half the battle. Getting over that knowledge and soldiering on, that is the whole battle. We’ll see, but I think I might be waging a war.