of you

The thoughts started early in high school, standing in my kitchen, the pale, worn woodened floor under my bare feet, an oven glove on my hand, waiting for something to finish cooking, probably a cake. I wondered what you were doing at that moment and how it was going to happen, what that future day would look like. Every now and then I’d think of you again and the circumstances that would bring you into my world, my life, my… Somehow you slipped away from me. Quietly, you walked out of the room, probably backwards, probably while I was sleeping not wanting to wake me and trouble me. And I let you go, I didn’t fight for the thoughts to return, I let them dissipate and filled their void with other life. They’re back, coming slowly at first and now crashing into me when I stare out the window, drive my car, hear the phone ringing. It’s not a good feeling, limbo, not knowing which way to turn, which direction is the one you’re headed in. I just wish I knew. I wish I were certain and could reach out my hand and touch you. It happened again today, in my kitchen, an oven mitt in hand, a roast chicken in the oven, I wondered where you were, what you were doing, what future events will bring you into my life, how one story ends and another begins.