in which i insight my need for you to understand

I've heard it called Rocktober and I kinda like that one And hearing that version makes the elementary ryhmer in my go all giddy and melodious. I would, however, like to settle definitively on Nocktober. That's my name for this past month that is gone and already old by six days.

"N" for the nothing that happened, for the none of books that I read, for the numb I didn't feel and yet. October was a passive month, one in which weeks seemed to fly by and yet. I would not say it was funk this time, to the contrary and yet. There are days and days I didn't write, days and days I didn't read. I filled my time and was not languishing, was not tormented and yet I remember October as a blur of days that just went by. "N" for the next month coming round that would offer breath and life to the days that just went by.

I've opened books again and am thinking about if not writing again. Something in the written word opens me up and lets me feel my own pulse like when you've gone on a run and when you are done with the work, the heaving of the body through time and space, you can't believe you could feel that good from such a simple mechanical motion. Words are becoming a station in my brain that must be satiated daily like breathing, like eating, like...