what stops me

It’s an easy answer. I know it, with or without the therapy sessions. I have a fear of failure, vulnerability, rejection, commitment and most of all success. That last one is the one that throws you a bit. Fears of failure and commitment are so vanilla. Who isn’t afraid in some way that they will fail? But, success? Who’s really scared to actually do the thing and make it? I’m sure I’m not the only one, but it’s a strange dichotomy to be faced with.

So, I should just do it, right? Because what is the worst that could come, rejection? So what? Dust yourself off and try again. It’s not going to kill me. It’s not going to harm my family. Why not take the plunge? Oh good Lord, where to begin? It’s because of the success factor and the “what if.” Success can come in so many forms, so many unexpected ways and what if the way it comes is not the one you wanted. Yes, it’s still success, but it’s just easier to dream about it, make it perfect in your mind than to actually find out if the bubble will ever burst.

I’m a distance girl, an arms-length-away hugger, a “halt right where you are” director. Coming upon what I strive for hasn’t always given up the happiest moments for me. It’s that failure thing again. But even the successes, I think, have been a little lackluster. But with distance how could they not be? Things just look so much prettier from far away. They are so much more real, safe, and perfect. And it’s this viewpoint, this messed up fear of seeing the points too clearly that stops me short.

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