mph

I went to Starbucks today for three reasons; 1- obvious, the addictive stimulant in the form of a grande, half caf., 2%, mocha and yes, the first time I ordered it I totally fouled it up and said latte when I meant mocha and I totally meant to make it iced too, whatever, too much 2- to get out of my house as it is officially Spring Break and while I love downtime, I am sick of my house and know that after 3 more days I may start climbing the walls just to test if gravity really exists 3- to read, which somehow done in public spaces makes me feel like I am really accomplishing something.

With my earphones on and book in hand, my mind wandered whether I would run into any of the boys (well 2 of them) of which I’ve had some sort of “past” (in this case “past” means 1-2 dates, or non-dates as it were) who live in the same neighborhood and who are coffee drinkers. I was really thinking of one in particular whom I met at this particular Starbucks. Then, about 30 minutes into my listening and reading and drinking, I see him, the back of him at least, and he is with an impossibly skinny little thing, the new one, I assume.

I never wanted to date this one, just wanted to be friends with him, to open up both of our horizons a bit, add flavor and friendship while we continued to search for date-ables. But in the instant of seeing the skinny one, I had a pang of rejection that kept me wandering what it was about me that made him not choose me. And when I saw him again at Kroger in the self-check out line 30 minutes later, I knew they were dating, that they were buying dinner things and even a bouquet of casual flowers. I looked at her shoes, her clothes, not completely unlike me yet with an air of spunk I don’t possess.

On my way to dinner at my sister-in-law’s house to play with and dine with the only children who may ever be the closest to my own, I got stuck behind someone driving under the speed limit “Is this my life?” I thought. “Is my life going under the speed limit?” When and how to we even know the correct speed, or even the distance we need to travel to get there, wherever there is?