how do you say, “i’m looking at what i want”?

It’s a line from one of my favorite chicklit movies, Sabrina, and it is the most succinct way to summarize what the last month has been. I found what I wanted, in two places, in two very different ways, stared at them both, and let them slip through my hands. The first was a house.

It’s not hard for me to become obsessed- preoccupied with a thing- and a house is quite a lot of a thing to ponder over. I found the house on a drive by probably in early November, but it was more of a passing wish than anything. Then a friend had me stop and pick up a flyer on another drive by in late December and the lusting began. I got a realtor, researched mortgages, and got real with my finances and the debt I’d be placing myself in. It was a bit of a reality check.

I sought advice from everyone who’s been through the ordeal of buying a home and I listened, really listened, thinking that this was the one time in my life where Anna’s inner dialogue and preseveration should cease. I was told to look around, find out what I really wanted, and know what else was out there.

I became glued to the quick search application of a real estate website, drove around neighborhoods, virtually and actually toured other houses, but my mind was all the time painting, reorganizing, re-plumbing, and moving into the first house that started it all. The drive bys became purposeful and almost daily. I began doing Internet and in store pricing on washer/dyers, dishwashers, even wainscoting. Everything in my mind was already boxed up and I was a homeowner… except, I hadn’t actually done anything about it.

I cannot blame anyone but myself, my own fantastical thinking that the perfect one would up and come running to me, knocking down every barrier I put up and I would succumb because destiny meant for us to be together. And such was the subconscious thinking going on in my head. I just thought that first house, that first love of mine, would wait for me, would be patient while I got my commitment phobia under control, while I followed everyone’s advice and figured out what I really wanted. I just thought that house would wait for me.

It didn’t. It’s under contract and I’m under a cloud, have been for a week now. I have to slowly repack all my belongings in my mind and move from a house I barely got settled into. And the stove, oh the stove- it was 1950’s era gas and WONDERFUL. I would have bought the house just for the stove, and I said as much.

But, I’m learning now that when you feel something in your gut, when you feel pulled to something indescribably, you need to know how to listen to your self and to say with confidence and stamina to everyone else, “I’m looking at what I want.”