alone at last, alone again

I arrived in my hometown late last night after almost not coming. I've been exhausted this week. Probably partly due to a hectic schedule and the anxiety of this weekend's wedding. There are so many emotions wrapped up in my best friend getting married and I know that some of them are simply selfish.

PK and I began the day with manicures and pedicures, a fabulous beginning for a bride and her maid of honor. But, the salon put us on opposite sides of the room so we couldn't talk to each other. Afterwards we had about an hour of time together with no one bothering us. We ate lunch then began to chat when details got in the way and then the craziness began. Her mom came home and we began wrapping presents then I went home to shower then back to her house where suddenly 4 more people had arrived. I realized that it had begun, the pulling away. My PK was slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do but watch as a new family welcomes her in. And I am so happy for her and she is so blessed with this new family, they are wonderful people.

At the after party at the groom's parent's hotel I was scheduled to take the bride home. I was anticipating this, time for us to talk, to gossip, to dissect the day and all the people, but at the last minute plans changed and she rode home with someone else. Another bridesmaid was going to spend the night with me, but earlier in the night decided she better stay at the hotel with her parents because her mother was ill. I was looking forward to this sleepover, a little girl time before the big day. As we left the hotel and I got in my car alone, the pangs creeped up. There was no one for more to decompress with. There was no one for me to talk excitedly about the day or complain about the horrid wedding coordinator. There was no one. It's times like this that it hits home, the emptiness, the lonliness, and for a brief few days I'm jealous of what others have. A minster tonight prayed to thank God for making us creatures who need and want love. What about that, I wondered.