phobias

There is one weekend left between now and my best friend’s wedding. I’ve been fine with it when it was in the distance, like a destination you just keep anticipating. But now, now that it is less than 2 weeks away I’m a bit freaked. My dress is about 12 sizes too big and has to be remade. I have to think of and write a speech to give at the reception. A few months ago this excited me. Now, I’m a little apprehensive. I should have written it months ago when I was into it, but I didn’t.

Marriage, it freaks me out, a lot. I’m totally psyched for my friends who are married or traveling down that road, but for me, I’m not so sure. I’ve been independent for so long, I wonder if there is a point of no return for single girls. Can we become so self sufficient that the thought of commitment just sounds time consuming? It just seems strange and foreign to me to have someone to be accountable to. It’s not that marriage zaps your freedom, but you can’t run to the store in the middle of the night for ice cream without telling someone where you’re going, you can’t plan a whole day of movie watching or finishing a book when the other person has plans, and you can’t go for margaritas on the spur of the moment with the girls. OK, so you can do these things. In fact, you could send someone to get the ice cream, and supporting someone makes you feel fabulous, and sharing things is even more fabulous. But for me, the fear envelops the possibilities of the fabulous life.

I’m happy for P and J. They make me smile when I think about them. I love them together and separately. They are wonderful people and will build a wonderful family together. I’m not jealous in anyway. I am sad, sad that I feel like I am being left behind, like I’m the last one picked for the team. But the thing is is that I don’t want to play the game anyway so this feeling of being left out is both false and unfair. It is unfair that I feel sad for something that I don’t think want and it’s unfair that I feel like my friends are leaving me when really they aren’t, but in some ways they are. Sometimes, I want to damn the coupling that is inevitable. Where have all the cowboys gone?